My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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