Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
