I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
