My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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