I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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