I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
