Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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