Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Ketchup is God's man juice
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
