he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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