Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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