I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Vodka?
Forever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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