There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
