how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
