He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
