Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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