I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
