Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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