I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
