I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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