From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
