i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
