the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
