a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
