He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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