You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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