her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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