i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
