I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
