We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
