Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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