i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
MIDGETS
????
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
