You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
