sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
