just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
