You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm too high and old for this...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
