why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
