OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
