Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
