my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
