9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I want a musical about memes.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
