I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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