My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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