It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
