It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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