yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
