ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
