I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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