dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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