I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
