Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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