sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
