Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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