when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
