WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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