Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
