Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish life had little blips of pornography
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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